Patient Interviews
by Gamewizard2008
Summary: Almost every villain is a regular inmate at KND Arctic Prison. But rather than just leave them where they are before they try to break out, the KND has special doctors that hold sessions with these villains, to find possible ways to stop them from committing crimes against kiddom.
1. The Toiletnator

**WELL-P, I am positively stumped trying to work on **_**MASKED**_**, so here is something to help cure the writer's block: anyone ever played **_**Batman: Arkham Asylum**_**, and you find these interview tapes for the villains? This is what that is basically. I'm gonna try and do Patient Interviews for some of the villains, starting with our favorite screw-up. Let's do it.**

* * *

_Patient Interviews 1: April 6, 2008_

"_Arctic patient interviews Number 1. I am Numbuh 67, and today, I will be interviewing one of our more common inmates, Lou… _Pottingsworth_… okay. Alias, The Toiletnator."_

"_SO, Doctor… The Toiletnator has become too MUCH for you Kids Next Door, you wish to get inside my head. Well, I. WON'T. LET YOU! !"_

"_Yeah, yeah. So, um, Mr. Pottingsworth, why DO you do the things that you do?"_

"_To put you bratty kids in your PLACE! To make you eat vegetables, and go to bed on time! And… uhh…"_

"_And… how does being a _toilet_-themed villain help you accomplish those?"_

"_Um… well, kids have to use the bathroom before they go to bed… a-after eating their broccoli. And… I guess I… make sure of that?"_

"_That's… not what we have on record."_

"_At least give me credit for trying…"_

_Patient Interviews 2: April 13, 2008_

"_This is Numbuh 67 with patient interviews Number 2. I have made little progress with my patient last session, and I hope to improve today. Ahem… so, Mr. Pottingsworth… let's talk about your childhood. Do you remember anything that might've sort of triggered your love for toiletry?"_

"_Um… well, I was shoved in the toilet a lot as a kid."_

"_Ahhhh. So you were bullied?"_

"_Not really. I asked them to. Riding the swirly was so fun, I wanted ALL kids to experience the thrill ride! Mwa ha ha ha!"_

"_So, you were purposely given the 'swirly', and wanted everyone to have the same fun as you… how exactly does that come into play with you being a villain?"_

"_Sniff… well, after I got into it… no one wanted to play with me."_

"_Rright…"_

_Patient Interviews 3: April 20, 2008_

"_Arctic patient interviews Number 3. Some time before this session and after the last, my patient has broken out of confinement… but was returned not long after. I would like to try and make real progress today."_

"_YOU'LL NEVER keep me in here FOR LONG, Doctor! The Toiletnator CAN NEVER BE CAPTURED!"_

"_But you WERE just captured… in fact, our records show this was the 75__th__ time you've been captured this year."_

"_Not true! I've only been locked away seventy-FOUR times. The 64__th__ time was when your S.P.R.A.Y.S.H.I.P. ran out of fuel."_

"_Regardless, what exactly is it you're trying to accomplish? Your threat level is the lowest the KND's ever faced, you don't gain any respect from your fellow villains… have you considered this isn't the life for you?"_

"_WHAT? ! B-B-But I LOVE being a supervillain!"_

"_But you're no good at it! No offense. Have you ever considered getting a simple plumbing job? You clearly have the skills."_

_NEVERRRR! Mr. Boss NEEDS me! Who would bring them coffee if I wasn't around?"_

"_Um… Cuppa Joe?"_

"_Just wait, Doctor! One day, everyone will know the supreme toiletry powers; and.. COFFEE-bringing skills of… THE TOILEEETNATOOOR!"_

"_Right… GUARDS."_

_Patient Interviews 4: April 27, 2008_

"_Arctic patient interviews Number 4. I am running out of sessions with my patient, and would like to find a way to solve his dilemma soon."_

"_Why waste your time, Doc? He's not that big of a threat, anyway."_

"_It's not about stopping villains from attacking us, Numbuh 80. I took this job to help people. Us kids aren't the only ones who matter. Now… where is he, anyway?"_

"_Yo, Numbuh 80, we need backup."_

"_What is it, Numbuh 44?"_

"_Toiletnator's broken out, he's clogging the toilets in all the bathrooms."_

"_Groooss!"_

"_Still think you can cure him, Numbuh 67?"_

"_Guys, hurry up! There's Poohemoths runnin' loose."_

"_Ulp! More to come soon… irk."_

_Patient Interviews 5: May 5, 2008_

"_Patient interviews 5… after getting sick myself last week. I am trying my hardest to help my patient, but he seems to enjoy being who he is now TOO much."_

"_Um, excuse me, Doc? I have to go to the bathroom."_

"_Oh, you don't think I'm gonna fall for that, do you?"_

"_But I REALLY need to go! I didn't have a chance this morning."_

"_Sigh! Fine! But don't try anything."_

"_We'll come with you."_

"_Thank you, Numbuh 80."_

There were several footsteps heard, and a door opening.

"_I'll just go in with him, just in case."_

"_Be careful, Doc."_

The door closed. There was quiet.

"…_Hey, Pete, did you hear Numbuh 42 found Yipper Number 78?"_

"_What, that's crazy. Where would he-"_

A loud flushing sound was heard.

"_AAAAAHHH!"_

"_Numbuh 67! ! Quick, open this door!"_

"_Err, it's stuck!"_

"_Just blow it open!"_

An explosion followed.

"_HEY, what're you doing? ! Numbuh 67… are you okay? ?"_

"_That…That was fun! I wanna ride the swirly again!"_

* * *

**And that ends the first one. Yeah, like in **_**Batman**_**, they're each gonna get five tapes. Sooo yeah. This isn't gonna be a big thing obviously, just an excuse to write something. XP Numbuh 67 is a girl by the way. Well, I'll try to work on **_**MASKED**_**, but thinkin' up these puzzles isn't easy as it sounds. Later.**


	2. Knightbrace

**Hello, everyone, time for the next chap. The one doing the interview is a boy now. Alright, let's do it.**

* * *

_Patient Interviews 1: July 2, 2008_

"_Arctic Prison interview Number 1. I am Numbuh 792, and today, I will be interviewing Mr. Wilbur Jelly. Also known as Knightbrace."_

"_Hello, Doc. Did you brush your teeth this morning?"_

"_Um, so Knightbrace… our reports say you were kicked out of dentist school for trying to put braces on babies, and that's why you became the maniacal supervillain you are today?"_

"_It wasn't MY faaault! Those parents let their babies suck on too many sweets! SOMEONE'S gotta take action."_

"_But how is that even possible? Do many babies even HAVE enough teeth at such a young age?"_

"_Well, that's why dentures were created."_

_Patient Interviews 2: July 9, 2008_

"_Prisoner interviews Number 2. Cooperating with the prisoner has been rather slow. He insists that we let him have three drums of toothpaste per day."_

"_Well, if this slop you bring me actually passes for cavity-free, maybe I wouldn't be so picky!"_

"_We're kids. We eat sloppy, cavity-inducing gunk like this."_

"_Bah! I bet this whole prison is crawling with cavity-filled incisors. You have counselors that try to 'reason' with us villains and yet you don't have dentists. Who here is in charge of your budgets?"_

"_Numbuh 60… If it makes you feel better, there are some dentists up on Moonbase."_

"_Annnd?"_

"_They… check to make sure we haven't ingested too much fluoride."_

"_Oh, how SURPRISing…"_

_Patient Interviews 3: July 16, 2008_

"_Patient interview Number 3. Today, I hope to make some actual progress. Knightbrace, let's talk about your childhood. How did you discover your obsession with dental hygiene?"_

"_Oh, simple, Doc: I used to be fixated on candy, like the rest of you rotten-toothed kids… until I took a look in my bathroom mirror and saw where I went wrong. My teeth were as yellow as cheese!"_

"_So you started to study dentistry in the hopes of saving other children from cavity-inducing sweets?"_

"_Thaat's right… but no matter how much I try to reason, children INSIST on damaging their pearly whites. I mean, don't they know what this stuff DOES to their molars?"_

"_I understand your reasoning, but you can't keep kids from doing or eating what they love. Which reminds me… our reports from Sector V say you have an unusual fascination with taffy."_

"_Tah-Tah-Tah-Taffy? ? Where? ?"_

_Patient Interviews 4: July 23, 2008_

"_Patient interview Number 4. Three days after our last session, the patient took a guard by the arm and pulled him against the cell as he forced 2-ton braces onto his teeth."_

"_Tell me, Doctor: wasn't it YOU that said I couldn't keep children from doing what they love? Well, I, love, being a DENTIST."_

"_Sigh. Yes, I know what I said, but you can't honestly say your methods aren't too extreme. I know that too much candy can be bad, and dentists help to fix the damages… but have you ever stopped to think your methods may cause even MORE damage? I'm not sure if keeping 2-ton steel strapped to your teeth is very healthy."_

"_Well, what choice do I have? ? Have you SEEN that kid's teeth? If I didn't do something, his teeth would've ROTTED out of his mouth."_

"_So you sacrifice their ability to speak well to save their probably-not-really-doomed teeth."_

"_Nooo, of course not. If they sat in one of those keyboard wheelchair thingies, speaking would be no problem!"_

_Patient Interviews 5: July 30, 2008_

"_This is Numbuh 792, with my final session on this patient. I am hoping I can do enough to help this patient further today, but chances are very slim."_

"_Numbuh 792! Are you okay?"_

"_What's wrong, Numbuh 80?"_

"_Knightbrace escaped! He's running arou- UWAAAH!"_

"_Numbuh 80!"_

"_Ahhh ha ha ha ha!"_

Numbuh 792 sounded like he was running.

"_Guys! How'd you get up there? Hold on, I'll cut you down."_ The sound of a ray gun firing was heard.

"_Dude, look what he did to Pete's teeth!"_

"_AHH! They're all shiny!"_

"_Hang on, Bro. I got some taffy, we're gonna get-"_

"_Wait! Put that away, that's-"_

"_TAFFYYYYY!"_

"_AHHH! GET 'EM OFF, GET 'EM OFF!"_ Peter screamed as the sounds of munching were heard.

"_MMMMM!"_

"_What's wrong with him? ?"_

"_I dunno, he goes crazy whenever he-"_

"_He's dragging him away!"_

"_Get back here! !"_

"_Ahh ha ha! Hwah ha ha! AHHH HA HA HA HA ha ha ha ha! Taaaaaaffyyyyy!"_

* * *

**Ahhh… taffy. X) Now if you'll excuse me, I need to brush my teeth. Later.**


	3. Common Cold

**Alright, time to move on to one of our semi-less-known villains. Once again, the one doing the interview is a male. Here we go.**

* * *

_Patient Interviews 1: November 5, 2007_

"_Arctic patient interview 1. This is Numbuh 56, and my patient's name is Benjamin Worthington. More commonly known as the Common Cold."_

"_This is HARDLY a place for punishment, Kids Next Door. The cold atmosphere actually makes me feel quite, ach…ach…ACHOO!"_

"_Can I… get you a tissue?"_

"_No, I'm good."_

"_Mr. Worthington is a rather unique inmate, as he appears to be cursed with some everlasting sickness. Mr. Worthington, if I may ask, how did you come by your never-ending cold?"_

"_Well, it started when I was little. I became ill one morning, and my father never took me to, aa…aaa…AAACHOO!"_

"_Your father never took you to be treated, and blatantly let his own son become ill?"_

"_Oh, no, he tried to take me. But I hate the doctor."_

"_I'm not too fond of my doctor either-"_

"_IRONIC? ?"_

"_-but to find a cure for that illness, I think would've been worth it."_

"_And who says I wanna find a cure for my illness? Heheh ha ha… HAACHOO!"_

_Patient Interviews 2: November 12, 2007_

"_Arctic patient interview Number 2. It's clear my patient enjoys what he has become… and it's up to me to find out wh—could you please wipe yourself?"_

"_Deal with it, Doc."_

"_So, Mr. Worthington, how did you first discover your obsession with… er, snot?"_

"_Well, when I became sick the first time, and I picked the snot dripping out of my nose, it always felt soooo squishy to me!"_

"_Um… I see."_

"_I make shapes out of it, I throw it at people, I roll around in it-"_

"_Ulp!... That's disgusting!"_

"_Coming from a SNOT-nosed kid? ? I wonder, Doctor… are you kids TRULY carefree?"_

_Patient Interviews 3: November 19, 2007_

"_Uck… After nearly losing my stomach last week… I am back with patient interviews 3. Not much progress was made, but I _really_ hope to find a cure soon."_

"_Hahaha, good luck. NOBODY can cure the Common Cold!"_

"_Mr. Cold, I would like to inquire about your status as a villain. Your theme is to make children sick, yes, something many children would hate… but getting sick is something that even ADULTS look down upon. How would you respond to that?"_

"_What do I care if adults don't approve? If they had any of the fun I had as a kid, maybe they wouldn't BE so picky! Ahhh hah ha…AACHOO!"_

"_But if you had any kids, wouldn't you want to heal them? Come to think of it, our files show you have a niece named Anna, whom you share a special bond with… what if she became terminally ill?"_

"_Hmmm… well, it's not too late to start a family business."_

"_I don't know how you've been able to last so long… but other kids may actually _die_ if they're not treated by your age. How would you feel if that happened to Anna?"_

"_Hmm… well… it would be satisfying to know, she died happy."_

_Patient Interviews 4: November 26, 2007_

"_Arctic prisoner interview Number 4. I have become increasingly worried for this prisoner's well-being… in more ways than one. He seems to enjoy being terminally ill, and wants to make each of us share his illness."_

"_I'm glad you finally pieced all that together."_

"_Mr. Cold, honestly, how do you live like this? Scratch that… how CAN you live like this? Surely, you must take some kind of medicine. How can one human hold on to a cold for so many years and not…"_

"_Hmmm… I actually don't. I guess I'm just… one with the cold."_

"_But-"_

"_The sickness speaks to me… and I respond to it. The snot wants to play with me… and I oblige."_

"_Oooohhh…"_

"_Numbuh 44?"_

"_Peter, you're late. What's wrong?"_

"_Ehh… I don't think I can guard today, man. I'm…I'm…ACHOO!"_

"_Whoa, man… come on, I'll take you home."_

"_Ohh, you pooor kiiid. I wonder what could've HAPpened?"_

"_YOU wouldn't have anything to do with this, would you?"_

"_No idea. Eh heh heh…AACHOO!"_

_Patient Interviews 5: December 3, 2007_

"_Sniff…Patient interviews 5…ACHOO! Today, I've come across a minor cold… subsequently after everyone else. A lot of us are out sick today… the few who remain, well, they're getting there. I think… I don't have the strength to go on with this patient. This cold air isn't sitting right with me… I think…I think I'll go home and… get some chicken noodle soup."_

"_Eh heheheh. Ahh hahaha! BWAAAH HA HA HA haaaa!...AACHOO!"_

* * *

**Lol yeah… couldn't think of a good way to end it. XP NOW to try and work on **_**MASKED**_** AGAIN… later.**


	4. The Great Puttinski

**Hello, everyone. Next, we'll be doing one of our lesser-known villains. Once again, a boy is doing the interview. Let's go.**

* * *

_Patient Interviews 1: May 1, 2007_

"_Patient interview Number 1. This is Numbuh 70.12, and I will be interviewing Rupert Puttkin. More recently referred to as the Great Puttinski."_

"_Ahem, you might wanna add that 'Rupert is the miniature golf world champion'."_

"_But didn't you lose your title after Numbuh 2 easily beat you in a game of mini-golf because you-"_

"_The sport is MINIATURE golf! !"_

"_Yes… I understand you have quite the, _obsession_, with the game."_

"_Well, I wouldn't expect a snot-nosed kid like YOU to understand. You have your simple videogames, while I stick to REAL sports, that require precision and strategy. I shouldn't even have been ARRESTED!"_

"_Okay, first of all, that's an illogical statement, plenty of videogames can't be done correctly without the right knowledge. Second, you were arrested for shrinking several KND treehouses, as well as our favorite candy stores."_

"_To USE… in MINIATURE GOLF."_

"_How is someone who obsesses with mini-golf able to develop shrinking technology, anyway?"_

"_Oh, it's easy. If people make miniaturized obstacles to use in miniature-golf, why shouldn't I, a world champion, be able to do the same?"_

"_That… wasn't quite what I asked."_

"_Oh, sorry. I have trouble paying attention to, _amateurs_."_

_Patient Interviews 2: May 8, 2007_

"_Patient interview 2. Rupert, today I was wondering if we could talk about your childhood. How did you first discover your obsession—er, I mean, _fascination_… with mini-golf?"_

"_Very well, I'll humor you. My love for, _miniature_ golf, came during my days of studying physics in college. I was quite the major in physics, if I may, and no other sport applied the use of physics so beautifully. I knew I had to pursue my true passions: miniature golf."_

"_So you dropped out of college to be a mini-golf champion?"_

"_Actually, I was kicked out."_

"_Why?"_

"_My colleagues and I discovered a way to perfect size-changing technology, and I stole the size-ray that we built to miniaturize a whole neighborhood; and our college, to build my own golf course."_

"_So, that's what happened."_

"_And do you know the worst part? Those people wouldn't stand still! My golfballs got real messy."_

"_That's terrible! !"_

"_Don't worry. I glued 'em down when I began the next round."_

_Patient Interviews 3: May 15, 2007_

"_Patient interview Number 3. After discovering the origin of my patient's obsession, I will now begin to find a solution. Mr. Puttkin, not that I'm trying to suggest anything, but how much money does one make in being a mini-golf champion?"_

"_The sport, is, MINIATURE, golf, and one doesn't need money when doing what you love."_

"_Sooo… not very much?"_

"_Nope. Not that it matters."_

"_Well, considering your knowledge of physics, and your apparent skill, I feel as though you can do so much more than… just a simple game."_

"_A simple… _game_? ! ?"_

"_Well, no offense, but if you don't make much money, maybe miniature golf just isn't the way. If you had a job as, like, a physics professor or somethin'-"_

"_NO! You snot-nosed kids will never understand, with all your videogames and your junk food, miniature golf is my LIFE! Taunt me all you want; someday, this whole WORLD will experience the joy of miniature golf! MWAH HA HA HA HA HA HA!"_

_Patient Interviews 4: May 22, 2007_

"_Patient interview Number 4. My patient is passionately dedicated to his obsession with mini-golf. I am proud to say he hasn't yet done anything _totally_ insane, but—what're you doing?"_

"_Just passing time."_

"_Is that a…is that a golf course?"_

"_What did you think? Now keep it down, I'm in the zone!"_

"_Are those our training robots? And is that… Numbuh 80? ?"_

"_Quit distracting me; otherwise, I might miss."_

"_Unshrink him now! How did you get a shrink ray, anyway?"_

"_Let's just say I had a friend bring me some parts."_

"_GUARDS!"_

"_Alright, hands up, Puttkin. Where's the device?"_

"_That information is classified. Of course, I wouldn't need to conceal it if puny-brained kids like you understood the beauty that is miniature golf. Maybe my resizing ray can help with that."_

"_Mr. Puttkin, you can't let this sport be your whole life. There are more important things than this silly game, and you're risking peoples' lives so you can-"_

"_A silly GAME? ! ?"_

"_OOOWW!"_

"_Oh, crud! Numbuh 80, are you all right? ? Pete, carry him to the medical wing. And find that resizing ray fast!"_

"_Oh, great, you kids made me miss my shot."_

"_Your shot? ? You just smooshed Numbuh 80 with one of your balls and you're only worried about YOUR SHOT? ?"_

"_Well, I'm sorry if you don't understand the intense concentration I try to put into this, but if I wasn't so distracted-"_

"_Oh, just… get him out of here!"_

_Operatives' Personal Memos: May 29, 2007_

"_Numbuh 70.12, personal memo Number 3. Today, I will request one more session with my patient, as I feel our last meeting ended a bit… roughly. On a side note, the air inside my house felt _really_ stuffy this morning; and when I looked outside my window, the grass seemed really-"_

A door was opened as someone sounded to be running in, panting. _"Numbuh 70.12! We've gotta hide, quick!"_

"_Numbuh 44? What're you doing here?"_

"_It's Puttinski! He-" _A quaking sound could be heard. There was no talking for a bit.

"_THERE you kids are!"_

"_Are…Are we-?"_

"_Yep."_

_"Numbuh 60? Numbuh 80? Why are they all..."_

"_Huhuhuhu hahahahaaaa!"_

* * *

**Ehh… this one coulda gone better. Lol and he ain't the only one obsessed with shrinking. XP Okay… no more distractions. FOR THE HUNDRETH TIME. Later.**


End file.
